Fighting Fear

Do you ever have seasons where you can't help worrying about certain things?   I feel like I am close to sliding into one of those, and I don't want to! Trying to refocus myself on God's sovereignty and GOODness.
Throughout my years (8 or so) of ups and downs with my health, I have had my fair share of fears. But, the Lord has been so kind to remind me of his faithfulness...and show it over and over again in tangible ways.

This past August, I started feeling SO much better.  As in, I no longer felt like I had been punched in the stomach every day.  I think the relief came from a combination of things...continuing to see my homeopathic doctor, cutting corn out of my diet and doing a 7-day raw veggie diet/detox.  A few weeks in, I realized that I was no longer constantly thinking about my stomach and how much it hurt.  I had more energy, I found a new job, I joined a gym.  Suddenly I was back to being "myself".

For the past few years, I slowly learned to accept a new normal.  God was so kind to help me come to that place.  For awhile, I was extremely frustrated.  I went from running a half marathon in college to not even being able to run a mile without joint pain.  I stopped running.  I stopped playing soccer.  I didn't go snowboarding for two consecutive winters.  I learned that if I could make it through work and come home and collapse, then that was a good day.

It's interesting how perspective changes everything.  Once I realized (or was reminded of) the fact that God had me in this place for a reason, I was able to accept and even grow thankful for the hard season he had me in.  After all,  and I didn't deserve to have more energy, feel better, etc. Isn't it crazy how hard things drive you closer to God?  I can be so slow to hear and listen to him..sometimes the only way he can get my attention is through trials.  And, I can honestly say that I am so grateful for the hard times he has brought me through, because they have forced me to rely on him.

Which brings me to my current struggle of not falling into fear.  The last few weeks my energy level has dipped and my mornings have started with more fatigue and stomach pain.  This is a familiar feeling, but not one I ever became indifferent to...I'm not sure how to describe it.  You would think that after 8 years of stomach pain that I would sometimes be able to get used to it...but that's just not the case.

The last few days, I have found my old fears coming back and my old  thought patterns creeping back in. I grow fearful that I will once again feel sick and fatigued, that I will never be fully healed/really know what is wrong with me, and that this will be a never ending cycle.  Which might be true.  But, even if it is, the Lord is still good, and I am still right where he wants me.

All of these fears go back to my wanting to be in control, forgetting that God is sovereign, and failing to remember that my joy should not and cannot be in my circumstances.  Why is it so easy to forget this?  Why do I so often try to take things into my own hands instead of resting them in my saviors?  I am thankful that he will finish the good work he started in me...but man, he has a long way to go!

From a 4-mile run the other night...proof that I am still doing better than before :)

It's that time of year...

Time for some reflecting on the past/upcoming year!

I really, really love journaling.  It helps me slow down, process my thoughts, and focus on ways that God has been working in my life.  I don't always do it as often as I like (ideally every morning would start out with me on the window seat, cup of coffee in hand with my journal and bible...but some mornings you just end up snoozing for over an hour. Ahem.)

I've received the following 10 questions from a few different people (thanks mom!), and spent my lunch break looking over them.  I highly recommend taking even just an hour to think through them!  I find questions like this are helpful in growing me in ways I didn't realize I needed and/or wanted to grow.

So, here goes (first five)...

 - What’s one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?

    Memorize the Word.  This is something that I have always had a hard time being faithful in.     

    But, I also know how important it is!  I am praying that the Lord would help me be more 
    disciplined in this way - feel free to check in and see how i'm doing!  I'm attempting to follow 
    Ann Voskamp's plan (this one)

-  What’s the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year?

    This is a GOOD one for me.  I so often try to put God in a box, and then I end up limiting what 

    I think he can do.  Not that how I think changes how he works, but it changes how I live!

    Anyways, in answer to this question, I want to SEE conversions.  Praying that He would give 
    me the courage to speak about him and that I would step out in faith and see him change 
    hearts.

-   What’s the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life
     this year?  

    Pray!  I need to pray more for my family, but also for me - that I would grow in love and 
    patience for each of them. So thankful for my family!

-  In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you 
   do about it?

This is a toss-up between prayer and scripture memorization, but I'm going to go with prayer 
   on this one.  I know that I need to be more faithful in prayer...so other than praying that the 
   Lord would incline my heart to him and make me want to spend time with him, I want to build
   it into my daily schedule so I can make sure that it happens.  I don't want to be legalistic about 
   it, but sometimes making something part of my routine is a helpful step in getting my heart in 
   line with it, too.

-   What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year?

    This is TV, hands down.  What do I plan to do about it?  The easy answer is to say I will 
    watch less TV.  But I know myself well enough to know that just saying that won't do a thing to
    prevent me from laying on the couch for a couple of hours and staying up way later than is    
    good for me.  Which, of course, makes me want to snooze the heck out of my alarm the 
    following morning.  I am well aware that the later I stay up, the less likely I am to get up early 
    and spend time with the Lord.  Thankfully, I am at a point in my life where I have a 

    TON more energy than I used to, so I no longer come home from work and collapse on the 
    couch.  There was a time last year where my eyes hurt too much to read, and I barely had the 
    energy to walk home from the metro.  PRAISE GOD that that is no longer the case!  

   In light of this, I have been trying to go to the gym more often in the evening (when i get back I  
  am much more motivated to not sit around and be lazy).  Also, if I haven't had a good time in    
  the word yet and I am tempted to get sucked into a show, I want to try to spend time with the 
  Lord first (or instead).  

   Of course, I know I will not be perfect at any of these things, but I need to remember that not 
   only does God give us the strength we need to do the things he has called us to, but he is 
   also a God that is full of grace when we fail.  So thankful for that!

   What about you?  Maybe spend a few minutes thinking about these questions??

Just a picture from the other night...happy birthday abby!!

How do i work hard...when there is no work?

So...most of you know that I started a new job back in September.  I am SO thankful for it...better benefits, better pay, great coworkers and bosses.  It is pretty much better in every way.

The only problem is, I've had a CRAZY amount of down time.  Like, really crazy.  If you could see my time sheet, the bottom half would look something like this:

Down Time - no work	11/14/13	5.00
Down Time - no work	11/15/13	6.00
Down Time - no work	11/18/13	7.00
Down Time - no work	11/21/13	3.00
Down Time - no work	11/22/13	4.00

So what do I do with all of this extra time?  GREAT question.  I've been struggling to figure out how to use this time well.  You would think that since I have the internet at my fingertips I wouldn't be bored, right?

wrong.  you see, I have this chronic problem where I get bored way too easily.  It's hard for me to sit still when I have a whole day stretching out in front of me with (potentially) (most likely) very little coming my way.  I like being busy.  I like helping people.  I like making a difference and getting things done.  So, when I am sitting here for hours on end reading blog posts...that feels like a waste of time to me.  Sure, I can read worthwhile material, but there are only so Gospel Coalition articles I can read before my mind starts to wander and I want to poke my eyes out.

I think one of the most frustrating things about this situation (other than the day going by excruciatingly slowly) is that it tends to make me lazy.  You see, I sit her all day hoping for work, and then when I get some i'm like "dang it, i wanted to leave early!"  or something like that.  Ha, one of my friends suggested I title this post "reflections of a lazy person", which wouldn't have been that far off.  I do like working hard, but it's easy for me to fall into laziness when I haven't been doing anything all day.

Any ideas for me of ways I can spend this "free" time well?  I'm thinking some scripture memorization is in order...

I just sent my manager and email asking her to sit down and talk about possible projects I can take over/if I could help others on the team/expectations.

Fingers crossed!

28.

Last Monday was my 28th birthday.  Crazy!  It's weird to think that i'm in my late 20s, because I still feel like such a kid sometimes!  Isn't time such a strange thing? 

I love birthdays, because they are such a good reminder of God's faithfulness to me.  It is often hard for me to slow down and meditate on how he has been working in my life, and I feel like birthdays give me an automatic push to stop and reflect...on life in general, but specifically on how the Lord has blessed me.

This past year has had some high highs and low lows, for sure.  And, through it all, my lord has proved himself faithful...as he always does.  The year started out with some not-so-fun withdrawal symtoms - the result of discontinuing a slew of strong prescriptions that I had been on for more than two years.  I am so thankful that I was able to stop taking them, but starting the year off recovering from the flu and suffering from insomnia and depression was really, really hard.

Through the spring and early summer, I really wondered if I was ever going to feel back to my normal self.  I had been so long that I didn't remember what it felt like anymore!  I honestly couldn't recall what it felt like NOT to feel sick to my stomach at every minute of every day. 

Having a chronic illness is interesting...you get used to it, but at the same time, you don't.  Most of the time, I didn't think about it much.  Being sick was just a way of life, and having low amounts of energy and negative emotional capital became my new normal. It had to become my new normal.  I had to learn how to stop comparing the present with the past.

And so went the first half of my year.  Ups and downs, many lows, and many days of wondering if I would ever feel better.  I wasn't at all sure that being on heavy medication for 2 years had been helpful...or if it had just been another detour in the long road that is chronic lyme disease. 

Then came August, which brought our family beach week.  Normally one of my favorite times of year (besides christmas of course), I think it is safe to say this was the worst vacation in the history of the world (mom, am I right?) Anyways, despite being a terrible vacation (main reasons: it rained the whole time, no one wanted to do anything, most of us were grumpy and had no energy...oh, and I was only allowed to eat raw vegetable for SEVEN days.  that was fun), it did end up being a turning point for me.

You see, the week of our vacation, I decided to go on a detox diet for the entire time.  As hard as it was to give up coffee, meat, sugar, grains, nuts, etc. etc. (seriously, kale and strawberries  and salad were my breakfast, lunch and dinner, and carrot sticks and jicama my snack..), it was SO worth it.  By the time the next week rolled around, I felt as close to my normal self as I could remember.  My mood was close to normal, my energy level was increasing, and my stomach felt slightly better.

my food for the week...

The final piece of the puzzle (so far) that fell into place was in mid-August, when I went back to my homeopathic doctor in Roswell, Georgia. When I asked him to do a food senstivity test, he quickly told me that I needed to cut corn out of my diet. I immediately started feeling better, and it's been uphill since then! He also told me that all signs of Lyme Disease are gone...i'm still a but skeptical, but I'm hopeful at the same time. And, I am still holding onto the same truth that I have been clinging to...that my God is sovereign, that all he does is good, and that I can trust him with my life. I am so incredibly thankful!



Another reason I am thankful daily...this girl :)

Thanksgiving!

Last Thursday, I set my alarm for 4:45am.  Normally, if I have to get up before 6am I just hate the world in general, but for some reason, that day I woke up before my alarm went off.  In my head, it went something like this, "wow, I feel rested! time to get up!".  Weird, right?

Some highlights of the drive: We listened to switchfoot.  Oh my GOODNESS I forgot how much I used to (and still?) love them.  Listening to Beautiful Letdown sure took me back...

Highlight #2 (well, for me at least, not sure about Jeremy and Erin...): I got to belt out the entire album of Wicked.  Yes please.

#3...Jeremy was a sugar daddy for a hot second and bought us starbucks. holler!

By the time 10:30 rolled around, we were pulling into my parents driveway and walking into a fully prepared breakfast of sausage and eggs and gf bread.  I have to say, there are a TON of things I love about going home, but the food has to be one of the best!  Thanks mom, I appreciate you!

It was so, so good to be home.  Last year was...not the most fun time.  This last year sure has seen a lot of changes for me!  Last December, I was in the process of titrating off 15 prescriptions.  Just as I was finishing that, I got every flu known to man...for two weeks.  Christmas found me lying on the couch all day and in bed all night.  3 types of flu+insomnia+withdrawal symptoms = not fun.  Anyways, all of that to say that this time, going home was just so wonderful.  I have been feeling so much better lately, praise God!

I have energy, which means I can help mom cook, go on dates with my sibs, and even go on a 5 mile run!  I really can't describe how thankful I am for the change in my health that I have seen over the last several months.  God sure does bring blessings at the most unexpected times and in the most unanticipated ways. 

Here are some pictures, because i think pictures are the best!!




Day-after-thanksgiving-dinner...my failed attempt to take a panoramic of everyone to send to Carolyn...



Birthday celebrations...ben being a ham.  typical.



Diana: "I really love these colors...but they only had a 1X"
Me: "uh, you do know what "X" stands for, right?"
D: "Noo-ooo...?"



Ha.

Hope you all had a wonderful time with your families! 

 

xoxo

Oh hello there, December.  Have I ever mentioned that I love Christmas time?  I really really do...it's got to be one of my most favorite times of the year (although, I tend to feel that way when spring hits...and summer, and fall.  So.)

I've never had much faith in my decorating skills, but this year I decided to be a little more proactive and actually try.  Anyone else out there need to stop letting fear of failure get in the way of creativty?? I know I sure do. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own way.

Work has been a bit, shall we say, slow, for the past few weeks, which has given me a chance to research all sorts of craft projects.  However, don't be fooled into thinking that Better Homes and Gardens projects are quick OR easy.  How did I think I would have time for this or this?  And definitely  not these guys.  Abby and I spent over an hour cutting out the pattern before I decided there were about a million other things I would rather spend my time doing.  Let's just stick with free evergreens that I stole from Home Depot and red ribbon, shall we?  Oh, and white lights.  You can never have too many white lights!!

Last night the four of us spent the evening cleaning and decorating...our home has become a christmas wonderland!  It is just the best. thing. ever.  So excited for our Christmas party this Saturday, and so, so thankful for the girls I get to live with!  It is definitely more than I deserve.

 

Things to be thankful for

John Piper said, "This is God's universal purpose for all Christian suffering: more contentment in God and less satisfaction in the world".  It is so important to remember this!  Loneliness, suffering, trials...God is working it all out for good.  How kind of him to love us enough to bring us through things like this!  He doesn't just allow it to happen - he is much too powerful for that!  Every single thing that we go through, no matter how small, has already passed through him first.

A friend has recently challenged me to write down 3 things that I am thankful for before I go to bed each night.  It is way too easy for me to focus on the present and the difficulties I am facing, forgetting the amazing faithfulness of God.  He has been faithful and he will be again.  This has been a small but helpful way for me to re-center my thoughts.

Today I am thankful for my boss.  A few of my friends were talking about how their bosses seem to forget they are people sometimes, and immediately I thought, "wow, I've never had that problem!".  Thankfully, I was able to see it right away, and thank God for it.  Although my job isn't glamorous and can get monotonous at times, I am so grateful for a boss who is kind, understanding and caring - I know this is a rare thing.  She is quite funny too...she participated in 'zone-lympics' last summer:
 

Here I am spinning her in a chair before she tries to curtsy in a straight line with her eyes shut...

I am thankful that God's word is unchanging.  The sun might not be shining today, but his promises are the same today, yesterday and forever!

And last and by no means least, I am thankful for my mom!  I can't tell you the amount of times I have called her, or emailed her, or texted her...and she is always there, ready to encourage :).  She is the best!!!